The little train began to slow down, and as it jolted to a stop Shaun leaned out of the window to read the sign ' Durham Vale'. For hours she had been going from one side of the carriage to the other, watching the countryside go by. Standing back when rows of trees seemed almost certain to touch the windows. Then sitting down whenever they went through a tunnel. listening to the echo of the wheels on the track.
Sandy Highfield didn't have the heart to tell her to sit down, or they were going to a boarding school in the convent.
"Come on Uncle Sandy," she said excitedly, "this is the village you promised to show me, the one with the big old church."
He gave her the tickets to hand to the railway porter.
"Thank you Miss," he said with a grin, "hope you have a pleasant stay at the Convent."
Sandy held her hand tightly as they walked down the lane that led to the village.
"Will we be home in time for tea? I wish Ma had come down with us. I know she loves riding on trains and visiting old buildings."
He ignored her questions, finding it impossible to answer. Impossible to tell her that she was going to the school that Dr McKinnon had recommended, or her mother so ill that the doctor at Westhill had forced her to stay in bed.
At the top of the hill they came to the village. Just one main street with timbered cottages, quaint little shops that sold everything. In the centre of the village a picturesque hotel with windows set in the attic. On the right the high Convent wall stretching the length of the street. A huge gatehouse at the end arching over two massive iron gates, flung open, revealing a long tree-lined drive.
Without giving Shaun a chance to look back or pull away, he tightened his grip on her tiny hand and hurried through the gates. She looked at him. Her sad little eyes searching for an answer to an unspoken question were breaking his heart. He almost turned back as she stared at the brown leather suitcase he was carrying.
The Convent lay in front of them, tranquil and silent. It's sloping roof, flying buttresses and squat towers with rose windows. To the left of the Convent, partly hidden by huge jacaranda trees was a fantasy of red brick turrets and towers with large windows. Sandy knew that this was the home of the boarders.
He pulled on the bell rope hanging at the side of the main door. Shaun heard the ominous clanging and shivered as it faded into the background.
"Mr Highfield and Shaun Maclaren. I do hope you had a good journey." Shaun looked up at the tall angular Nun, at her long beaky nose and thick spectacles. The Nun enveloped her in black serge for a moment, then pushed her gently away, holding her at arms length.
Shaun stared at the sharp features again, suddenly realizing with horror, that this was where she was going to be left. Without a word, a short, round-faced Nun took her by the hand and pulled her away from Sandy Highfield. She called out to him, but he had gone, all Shaun could see was a cloud of billowing veils. She was forced up a long flight of bare wooden stairs, At the top she tried hard to pull away.
"Sandy! Sandy!" she screamed. "Please don't leave me. Let me go! Please let me go. I promise I will be good."
The Nun clasped her hand tighter.
"Why can't I go with him?" Shaun asked through her tears.
"You're going to stay here — with me. I'm going to look after you, not your uncle Sandy. I don't know what your mother must have been thinking about, allowing a man to look after you. Here you will go to school every day. There's other girls for you to be with. You're a big girl now, and we must act like a big girl."
"I don't want you looking after me. I don't like school. I want to go home-to Ma. Ask Sandy - he'll take me back - to Ma I know he will. Please, please let me go."
"Now Shaun Maclaren you are being a very silly little girl," the Nun told her angrily, "you know you have to stay here. It's for your own good. The doctor said it was. You might just as well stop this silly crying. It won't help you." The Nun gripped her hand harder and dragged her into a long low room. There were beds on either side, all draped in white. A wooden floor, all shinny and clean, like the ones she had seen in the hospital.
Shaun looked around the room and sobbed in irrepressible despair.
"This is where you will be sleeping. It is called a dormitory."
"But it's so hot in here."
"That's because you've been crying."
"I want to go back to Westhill. It's much cooler by the sea. Please let me go back with Sandy I really will be good."
"You will get used to it," the Nun told her, "and in future, when you address me you will call me Sister Rebecca."
The tour of the Convent continued. First the washroom, attached to the dormitory where wash basins were set in a wall, and the water icy cold. Then into a tiny room beyond where Shaun was told she would have to clean her shoes every day.
Her heart pounded with hope and excitement as she followed Sister Rebecca down the stairs and saw Sandy saying goodbye to the Mother Superior, She wanted to call out to him, she tried to run to him, but the Nun held her hand tight and told her to be silent. They walked through a maze of corridors and cloisters. Eventually they went into the Refectory; a big, high ceiling chamber, which Shaun thought was echoing and very unfriendly. There were tables stretched around the three walls. Places were set only on one side of each table so that everyone sat facing the centre. At the far end was a smaller table. Sister Rebecca explained that this was the top table, where Mother Superior, and when she was visiting, Mother Provincial sat.
Shaun stared in awe at the huge Crucifix, hung high on the wall behind the table. She looked at the lectern, a few feet to he left, built like a pulpit, reminding her of the church at Westhill. This, the Sister told her was where the reader sat so that everyone in the refectory might hear her words. That silence at meal times must be strictly observed by all boarders. They went into a sparsely furnished community room, where old desks with seats attached were set in a straight line down the center. Shaun sat at a desk farthest away from the door. For more than an hour Sister Rebecca read out the rules, which she told Shaun every boarder must learn by heart. Shaun could not even remember one of them, and in despair rested her head on her hands. The Nun looked at her in disgust.
"You're not even trying," she said angrily.
"But Sister —"
"You will speak only when spoken to," Sister Rebecca shouted.
The interminable silence became more than Shaun could bear.
"I can't remember all those stupid rules", she shouted suddenly.
"Then you will sit at your desk until you do. Your outburst is intolerable. You will learn everyone of the rules you will remember that in the refectory and in the dormitory absolute silence will be observed."
"I hate this place", Shaun shouted again. She stood up, banged her fist hard on the lid of the desk. Then cried with the pain in her hands holding them out, shaking them. Her eyes pleading for compassion.
Sister Rebecca glared at her. "That's your punishment from God for being a wicked naughty child."
It was late afternoon when Shaun was taken to the study of the Mother Superior.
"Have you managed to learn some of the rules?" she asked.
At first Shaun did not answer. The question was asked again.
"Yes," she said sheepishly.
"Can you tell me one of them?"
"We must not speak or make a noise in the dormitory or refectory."
"The child has remembered nothing, Reverend mother," Sister Rebecca interrupted angrily, "she will not pay attention. She is a very stubborn child. All she does is to cry and blubber when she cannot get her own way. I think she is a spoiled child who needs a good thrashing" Shaun glared at Sister Rebecca, hatred burning in her tear stained eyes.
The Mother Superior looked over the top of her horn-rimmed glasses.
"Dear me", she said softly, "this is not at all what I expected".
The uncanny silence that followed was broken only by Shaun's stifled sobs. The Reverend Mother, looked first at the Sister, then at the tearful child standing in front of her.
"Shaun Maclaren" she began sternly, "you will have to learn all the rules. They are there for your own good. You have told a lie. Punishment for that alone is very severe."
There was that awful, deadly silence again. Shaun decided to make a run for the door. Get away from the nightmare Sandy Highfield had forced her into. Sister Rebecca read her thoughts. Laid a hand on her shoulder and pushed Shaun closer to the mother Superior's desk.
"Because this is your first day," the Reverend Mother continued, "you will not be punished. I have asked Sister Rebecca to keep an eye on you. You must promise never to tell a lie or raise your voice in anger again."
"I promise," Shaun said tearfully then began to sob as if her heart would break.
"There there, child," the Mother Superior said as she walked round the front of her desk and clutched Shaun Maclaren to her. "Once you learn the rules and settle down you will grow to love us as we all love you. I'm sure if you really try hard this Convent will be your home away from home, and all the troubles of your past will be forgotten."
Shaun Maclaren was small, although she was not the youngest in her class, she stood last in line when the girls were drilling. She was painfully thin with straight blonde hair cut squarely around her head in page-boy style. Her eyes normally blue, but for the first week of her boarding school life, red from crying were framed with long curling lashes.
In her navy serge uniform, and lace-up shoes she was often mistaken for a girl much younger than her ten and a quarter years. She was not a clever child, but had an extremely good memory. In her first week Sister Rebecca praised her for her achievement in the school spelling-bee.
'Weeny' she had been named by the other girls on her first day at school. The name annoyed Shaun, and the head Prefect aware of this ensured everyone called her Weeny.
Esther, the Prefect, three years older than Shaun tried hard to imitate Sister Rebecca. She thought the new girl characterless and described her as 'Nobody's Child' making sure that Shaun Maclaren was the odd one out. She took a delight in telling Sister Rebecca that Weeny moaned in her sleep.
"Everyone is complaining," she told the Sister, "one of the other girls said if I didn't report it, she would, and then I would be in serious trouble."
It was a hot November night. The dormitory airless, all the windows closed. Shaun tossed and turned, and although fast asleep talked about Casey Ann. Sister Rebecca glided into the dormitory and stood by her bed. Shaun mumbled again. Without saying a word the Sister dragged her from the bed, took her by the shoulders and marched her into the wash-room. She stared angrily at Shaun for a moment, then threw her on the floor.
Shaun barely awake, bewildered, terrified began to scream tears streaming down her face.
"What have I done?" she screamed, "please don't hurt me. What have I done?"
"You Shaun Maclaren are a bad wicked child. You've broken every dormitory rule. You've kept all the girls awake. It's time you were given the thrashing you deserve."
For a moment Shaun lay on the stone floor. She looked past Sister Rebecca at the dim blue night light, which cast enormous shadows of a fiend-like figure in black.
From within the folds of her habit Sister Rebecca pulled out a thick rubber stick with thin trips of rubber hanging from it. Then, with as much strength as she could muster, struck Shaun around the legs and across her back.
Screaming with pain, fright, and the agony of not understanding why she was being beaten, Shaun crawled into the corner of the wash-room. She covered her head with her hands, shut her eyes tight seeking a secret, that secret room in her mind, that sanctuary against pain. Knowing that if she concentrated hard enough she could reach it, unlock the door and slip inside as she had when Casey Ann had been killed by the semi-trailer. There she knew she would be safe. Safe from the lashing tongues of Sister Rebecca's rubber stick.
Shaun had an image of herself dead. A pale white corpse, wearing her best blue nightdress. The one Sandy Highfield had given her for Christmas. She saw herself lying in a wooden box among an array of brightly burning candles. The way she dreamed Casey Ann had looked. All she wanted now was to join her sister.
In spite of the inauspicious beginning of her boarding-school career, Shaun was a delight to the Mother Superior and the Mother Provincial, who would on occasions ask her to recite their favourite stories, 'The Stone that Rebounded' and 'Zephyr's Last Ride.' Many of the other Nuns were fascinated by her ability, and at one end of term Parent's Day meeting Shaun was persuaded to recite the two favourite stories.
Sister Rebecca firmly believed that if Shaun did have a photographic memory, then she should not have any difficulty in passing any or all of her grade examinations. This was something Shaun Maclaren found impossible to achieve. She did try very hard, wanting her mother and Sandy at Westhill to receive a good progress report.
Sister was firmly convinced that Shaun as not trying and seldom missed an opportunity to use, with zeal her rubber punishment stick. An opportunity which presented itself many times. Sister Rebecca, was not only her teacher but also her House Mother.
The animosity between Shaun and the Sister, to Esther, the Prefect seemed to have reached an unbearable height, which she felt was effecting the whole class. She believed that because of her Shaun had suffered badly, and to make amends invited her home for the holidays. Esther's father had a large dairy farm. Shaun was in her element. She loved horses, dogs, helping out around the farmhouse and when she was allowed, with the milking.
No job was too difficult and Esther's parents who she referred to as mother and Pop treated her like a daughter. Although Esther told her parents of the unfair treatment Shaun was suffering and her mother saw the deep marks on her back Shaun herself never complained.
"One can get used to almost anything," she told them when asked how she got them.
Outwardly, in spite of Sister Rebecca's constant beatings, Shaun tried hard to comply with her wishes. She always endeavoured to hand her homework in on time, spoke only when spoken to and smiled at the Sister whenever she could. But she had come to think that defiance of Sister Rebecca was the most important thing in her life.
It was not an outward defiance, but another form of resistance. A resistance of mind and heart, inside where it really mattered. Shaun stayed hard, cold and distant. No crying. No moaning. It was antidote against falling apart.
In a class full of girls she was all alone. Her only friend Esther had gone back to the farm to help out her mother and father. Shaun Maclaren knew that if she wanted to survive this hell on earth in God's house, then she would have to do everything Sister Rebecca told her. There were a few times she thought about dying, but there was nothing poetic about that kind of death.
In her letters to her mother, who had left Westhill and gone North to work she told of the ill-treatment she was receiving at the hands of the Sister. She knew they were read by Sister Rebecca then destroyed. Even in the writing of the letters, and knowing her mother would never read them, she felt a sense of achievement, a sense of defiance. To Shaun it was another dint in Sister Rebecca's armour.
When her brother George came down for a visit, or took her back to his home for a few days she refused to talk about her life at the Convent, for fear of getting a beating, and of being told to try harder. But Shaun Maclaren prayed, and prayed hard that one day it would all change. She believed that whatever fate befell Sister Rebecca, it would most certainly be in her Karma.
Returning from the mid-term holidays it seemed that her prayers had been answered. Sister Rebecca had been taken ill and sent to a nursing home. There was an air of happiness as the new teacher, House Mother glided into the class room.
She was a tall woman with a pleasant face her eyes, small, deep blue with a very slight cast in them, so that she never seemed to be looking directly at anyone. There was a deathly hush as she wrote her name on the blackboard-Sister Constance.
For the whole class it was a new beginning. A week later all the old wounds of student teacher relationship had been healed. The use of the cane or punishment stick was abhorrent to Sister Constance. She firmly believed that gentle persuasion, would in the end produce far better results.
Shaun adored her. Without being asked she cleaned the Sister's Crucifix, belt and shoes. She tried hard in her studies, but even with the Sister' s continued help, Shaun still found it impossible to come anywhere other than bottom of the class.
Sister Constance thought that Shaun, who had now become her favourite pupil was at times withdrawn, especially as the end of term holidays drew near. She seemed filled with a sense of foreboding, reluctant to leave the Convent and stay with her eldest sister. Sister Constance questioned Shaun about her attitude. It was only after a lengthy discussion did the fact emerge that whenever she stayed at Pauline's house she was beaten by her sister and tormented by her children.
"Why don't you tell your mother?" Sister Constance asked.
"I dare not. The last time I stayed at Pauline's house and Ma came down for a visit they made me swear not to say a word. I know what would have happened if I had spoken out."
"But surely your mother must have known something was wrong. This cannot, and will not go on. I promise you something will be done."
"Please Sister," Shaun said with tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please don't make a fuss. It will only make things worse. The beatings-they don't really matter any more. I suppose I must deserve them. Besides Ma's going to stay permanently at Pauline's."
Sister Constance was suddenly transferred to another Convent. No one really knew why. She didn't have time to say goodbye to Shaun Maclaren.
Now that Sister Constance had been transferred, Shaun did not want to go back to the Convent after the Easter holidays, and pleaded with her mother to let her stay at home. Her brother George, determined she would continue her education, with her suitcase and term money forced her on the train.
Sandy Highfield having given up all hope of ever marrying Rachel had disappeared. George provided his youngest sister's school fee and clothing, even though his wife felt that his own children, were at times suffering more than they should, and that, Shaun now aged fourteen should be earning her own money.
The train slowed to a stop at Durham Vale, and as usual the teacher, House Mother was waiting to meet them. Shaun looked out of the window, as she had on her first day. A Nun, short, round faced, who resembled Sister Rebecca was standing in the centre of the platform. Shaun sat down for a moment. Her heart pounding, her head throbbing, tears of fright and despair running down her cheeks. She could see the rubber punishment stick, feel the lashes on her back, feel them biting into her legs. She bent down, touched her legs just to make sure they were not bleeding again. Suddenly she stopped crying, determined to hide her terror. With her case in one hand opened the carriage door and slipped around the other side of the train. She watched the train disappear down the track and waited in the shadows until the station became deserted.
Darkness fell, she knew she had to get away. Away from the Convent and Sister Rebecca. She dried her eyes, pulled her hat firmly down on her head and decided she needed some place to go. Somewhere she could sit down and plan her next move. She thought about the waiting room, Then she remembered the porter. If he found her he was almost certain to inform the Mother Superior, and she would be dragged back to the Convent.
Shaun picked up her suitcase and walked down the track, singing as she walked to keep from falling asleep. She took long strides so that her feet would land on the sleepers instead of the gravel that cut into her shoes. An hour later she came to a tunnel. Too scared to go through, too tired to go any further she sat on her case by the entrance. The moon rose, she stared at the cloudless sky for a moment, then closed her eyes and dreamed of dying at the hands of Sister Rebecca.
She woke with a start as a spider crawled over her hand. She screamed, swatted it aside, watched it in the bright moonlight as it curled, defensively into a ball and dropped to the ground. It took her a moment to assemble her thoughts and remember where she was. Always afraid of dark places, Shaun knew she could never go through the tunnel and decided to find a way around it. Her feet, cooled by the night air had stopped aching. She bent down eased her feet into her shoes and began to tie up the laces.
She stifled a scream as she stared at a snake lying on the cool track a few feet away. She thought it looked at her as it's fangs went in and out. There were snakes on Esther's farm. Pop told her that if you stay very still they will go away. She'd even seen a snake at Westhill. This one looked different. It was the biggest snake she had ever seen.
"It's a Python" she shouted, not daring to look away, "If I move it will crush me to death." Fascinated by it's antics of curling round and round she watched it for a long time. Suddenly she remembered reading that all snakes did this to mesmerize their victims before they went in for the kill. Her eyes fixed on the snake she stood up slowly, the snake still curling round. With a quick movement she grabbed her suitcase and ran as fast as she could down the railway track.
Short of breath, a pain in her side she slowed down, then tripped and fell as her feet became caught in her shoe laces. How long she sat on the railway line crying, dabbing her grazed knees she had no way of knowing. As the moon clouded over she knew she must move or the Python would be certain to find her.
She dragged her suitcase along the line not sure if it was better to drag it or carry it. A pinpoint of light appeared way off to the right. Shaun knew if she could only get to it she would be safe from the snake. The moon came out from behind a cloud she scrambled down the embankment.
She thought about saving her suitcase, hiding it somewhere, along the embankment, in the long grass. She thought about all the trouble her brother had gone to, buying her the new school uniform. She heaved the case over the barbed wire fence then climbed over. She got one leg over easily, went to lift up her other leg, found it almost impossible to move, knew she had caught her navy blue knickers on a barb. If she wriggled she would tear them or cut the inside of her leg.
Balancing on one leg she unhooked them and fell to the ground with a thump, she lay on the damp grass not sure whether to laugh or cry. Seconds before the moon slipped behind a heavy cloud, Shaun saw a path that led through the trees. She picked up her suitcase and walked towards the tiny light. Strange forms reached out to touch her. Branches brushed her arms and legs as twigs snapped behind her. Something small flew directly into her face. She screamed and started to run. Things seemed to grab her ankles, she stopped, pulled away the long grass and for a moment stood very still.
There was a snap - snapping of dried twigs. It's the snake, she thought then dismissed the thought almost immediately. The twigs snapped again. She screamed picked up her case and ran, until the pin-point of light loomed in front of her bright and clear. In desperation she banged on the door as hard as she could. Shaun saw a large woman, a white apron covering her dress. She dropped the suitcase and fell into the woman's arms.
The woman, Shaun remembered wearing a white apron was sitting by the fire. "Awake at last," she said with a smile, "if you go and have a wash you will feel much better. Breakfast will be ready by the time you have finished. " She left the fire and began setting the table. Shaun, bewildered, looked about her, then watched the woman slicing a loaf of bread.
"You've been here all night," she told Shaun, trying to put her mind at rest, "it was too late to take you back to the Convent."
"There you are Shaun Maclaren," the woman said placing a plate of eggs and bacon in front of her as she sat at the table. The woman stood back, a beaming smile on her face. She folded her hands across her ample stomach and watched Shaun eat.
"Just you enjoy that, and I want to see every scrap eaten. Neither my John or me can abide food being wasted, and mind you don't give any to the cat. She has her own food by the back door. She will pretend she's starving."
Shaun looked at the big black cat sitting erect staring into the fire. Over a steaming cup of tea the woman explained that she found Shaun's name on the inside of her coat when she took off her wet clothes and put her to bed on the couch.
"We know you don't want to go back to the Convent. But you might have to. Don't you worry though, my John will make sure you're safe. We can't stand children being ill treated."
"How did you know? I never told anyone. I didn't mean to be a nuisance. Really I didn't."
"You talked in your sleep. Most of the night you were crying. Once you screamed, begged a Sister Rebecca to stop whipping you. I sat up with you most of the night."
"I'm sorry I was a trouble."
"You were no trouble dear," the woman told her, warming her hands by the fire, "my John was very upset though," she continued, "and when the Priest came by early this morning demanding we allow him to take you back to the Convent John threw him out of the house."
"He told the Priest they had no right beating children like that. The Priest said you probably deserved it. There was an awful row. We both feel that no one should be hit with a rubber stick."
She stopped for a moment to refill their cups with tea.
"The people at the Convent must have complained to the police. The Sergeant came down, said he'd been informed we were keeping a young girl here-against her will. John put him straight. While he was here you had another one of your nightmares. Much worse than before. Screaming and crying. Begging this Sister Rebecca to stop hitting you. Even covered your head with your hands, pulled up your knees and rubbed your legs. You swore you didn't talk in bed."
"The doctor came after you passed out, gave you an injection to calm you down. He told the Sergeant and us that you had been badly beaten. Said something about a social worker. The Sergeant said I was to keep you here while they talked to the local Magistrate."
A week later Shaun, accompanied by a social worker and the Police Sergeant, went to the Convent. Sister Rebecca greeted them and glared at Shaun. They were shown into the Mother Superior's study. Shaun shaking from head to toe at the thought of what might happen to her stood in front of the desk and waited. She started to cry. The social worker did her best to calm her. It was only when the Sergeant held her hand and told her everything was going to be all right, that she stopped shaking and crying.
The Mother Provincial followed by the Mother Superior came into the study. They looked first at Shaun, then the Police Sergeant and the social worker. The Sergeant handed the Mother Provincial an official document which the Mother Superior glanced at then with a glare at Shaun signed.
She turned to Shaun. "You are being released by the Convent. Your mother has been informed. However you are being placed in the care of Mr John Woods and his wife until the social worker is satisfied with your progress."
Shaun was delighted. She was free at last. It seemed that all her prayers had been answered. There would be no more beatings with the punishment stick, no more nightmares and she would be able to talk whenever she wanted.
Shaun stayed with John and his wife for two months, then the social worker found her a job with a printing company. "What is your ambition? " John asked as she was leaving. "Join the Army-like my Dad."